Official
Record
Record
Office of Not-so-Presidential Directives
Not-so-Presidential Records
Making Plastics Great Again
EXECUTIVE ORDER: RESTORING THE GLOSS
By the authority vested in me as the The Greatness, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Policy
For too long, our nation has been held hostage by the tyranny of the soggy paper straw and the structural instability of the "eco-friendly" fork. We have witnessed the tragic collapse of takeout containers and the unnecessary silence of crinkle-free packaging.
It is the policy of this Administration to return to an era of permanent luster, infinite shelf life, and superior grip. We don't just want utility; we want that classic, petroleum-based sheen that says, "I’ll be here for ten thousand years."
Section 2. The "Snap-Back" Initiative
The Secretary of Texture shall immediately oversee the phasing out of all "earth-toned" pulp products. We are revitalizing the industry through the following mandates:
The Straw Mandate: Effective immediately, all straws must possess the structural integrity to pierce a juice box without bending, wilting, or tasting like a wet, limp napkin.
The Clamshell Comeback: We are bringing back the high-gauge, clear plastic "clamshell" packaging. If a consumer doesn't need a pair of heavy-duty shears and a safety permit to open their new headphones, the packaging isn't secure enough.
Single-Use Superiority: We shall celebrate the convenience of the plastic bag. Double-bagging is no longer a request; it is a sign of prosperity.
Section 3. Aesthetic Standards
All plastics produced under this order shall be required to meet the "Neon & High-Gloss" standard.
Transparency: If I can't see the sandwich through the wrap with 4K clarity, the wrap has failed.
Color: We are banning "compostable brown." From now on, plastics shall be manufactured in colors not found in nature—specifically "Electric Cobalt" and "Safety Orange."
Section 4. Redefining "Disposable"
The term "disposable" is hereby replaced with "Legacy Material." We aren't "throwing things away"; we are contributing to the geological strata of the future. We are leaving a footprint so bold that future archaeologists will know exactly where we ate our burgers. Plastic recycling centers will hereby be immediately closed; we only want the best, virgin-quality plastics to be consumed by this Administration.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
By the authority vested in me as the The Greatness, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Policy
For too long, our nation has been held hostage by the tyranny of the soggy paper straw and the structural instability of the "eco-friendly" fork. We have witnessed the tragic collapse of takeout containers and the unnecessary silence of crinkle-free packaging.
It is the policy of this Administration to return to an era of permanent luster, infinite shelf life, and superior grip. We don't just want utility; we want that classic, petroleum-based sheen that says, "I’ll be here for ten thousand years."
Section 2. The "Snap-Back" Initiative
The Secretary of Texture shall immediately oversee the phasing out of all "earth-toned" pulp products. We are revitalizing the industry through the following mandates:
The Straw Mandate: Effective immediately, all straws must possess the structural integrity to pierce a juice box without bending, wilting, or tasting like a wet, limp napkin.
The Clamshell Comeback: We are bringing back the high-gauge, clear plastic "clamshell" packaging. If a consumer doesn't need a pair of heavy-duty shears and a safety permit to open their new headphones, the packaging isn't secure enough.
Single-Use Superiority: We shall celebrate the convenience of the plastic bag. Double-bagging is no longer a request; it is a sign of prosperity.
Section 3. Aesthetic Standards
All plastics produced under this order shall be required to meet the "Neon & High-Gloss" standard.
Transparency: If I can't see the sandwich through the wrap with 4K clarity, the wrap has failed.
Color: We are banning "compostable brown." From now on, plastics shall be manufactured in colors not found in nature—specifically "Electric Cobalt" and "Safety Orange."
Section 4. Redefining "Disposable"
The term "disposable" is hereby replaced with "Legacy Material." We aren't "throwing things away"; we are contributing to the geological strata of the future. We are leaving a footprint so bold that future archaeologists will know exactly where we ate our burgers. Plastic recycling centers will hereby be immediately closed; we only want the best, virgin-quality plastics to be consumed by this Administration.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Authorized Official
04/06/2026