Official
Record
Record
Office of Not-so-Presidential Directives
Not-so-Presidential Records
Returning to our Measurement Roots
EXECUTIVE ORDER: THE METRIC REVOCATION & RECLAMATION OF REASON
By the authority vested in me as The Greatness, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Policy
For decades, a cold, clinical, and suspiciously divisible system of measurement known as "Metric" has infiltrated our laboratories and soda bottles. This base-10 tyranny—designed by French revolutionaries with too much time on their hands—has stripped the soul from our dimensions.
It is the policy of this Administration to make great again the English Customary Units, a system based on the noble proportions of the human body, the length of a barleycorn, and the whimsy of King Henry I. We will no longer measure in "millimeters"; we will measure in "fractions of a thumb," as nature intended.
Section 2. The Great Conversion
The Department of Standards is directed to scrub the "Celsius" and "Liter" from the national vocabulary. The following mandates are effective immediately:
The Temperature of Truth:
Celsius is hereby classified as "Non-American Whispering." Henceforth, 100 shall represent "Very Hot" 0 shall represent "Very Cold," rather than the freezing point of some arbitrary water. If the weather is 37, you should be wearing a parka, not going for a swim.
Volume Control: All beverages shall be sold by the Gill, Pottle, or Hogshead. If a consumer asks for a "two-liter" of soda, they shall be corrected and served 0.528 gallons of patriotic carbonation.
The Speed of Freedom: All odometers shall be recalibrated to Furlongs per Fortnight. While this may make highway travel difficult to calculate, it will encourage a more relaxed, agrarian pace of life.
Section 3. Civil Engineering & Architecture
To ensure our infrastructure remains ruggedly confusing to foreign spies, the following construction standards are adopted:
The Rule of Three: All measurements must involve at least three different units that do not divide evenly into one another. A standard doorway shall be defined as 1 fathom, 2 links, and 3 poppyseeds wide.
The "Hand" Standard: Height is no longer measured in feet. All citizens shall have their height recorded in "Hands" (4 inches). If you are not at least 15.2 hands high, you are legally a pony.
Section 4. Scientific Subversion
NASA and all related scientific agencies are ordered to cease using the "Kilometer." Space exploration shall henceforth be measured in Leagues.
The speed of light shall be redefined as approximately 1,800,000,000,000 Furlongs per Fortnight.
Any scientist caught using a decimal point where a "scruple" or a "drachm" would suffice shall be sentenced to ten days stocking supply cabinets.
Section 5. Enforcement
Any ruler, tape measure, or graduated cylinder found containing "centimeters" shall be melted down and recast into 12-inch rods. We aren't just measuring the world; we are measuring it with character.
Thank you for your attention to the matter.
By the authority vested in me as The Greatness, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Policy
For decades, a cold, clinical, and suspiciously divisible system of measurement known as "Metric" has infiltrated our laboratories and soda bottles. This base-10 tyranny—designed by French revolutionaries with too much time on their hands—has stripped the soul from our dimensions.
It is the policy of this Administration to make great again the English Customary Units, a system based on the noble proportions of the human body, the length of a barleycorn, and the whimsy of King Henry I. We will no longer measure in "millimeters"; we will measure in "fractions of a thumb," as nature intended.
Section 2. The Great Conversion
The Department of Standards is directed to scrub the "Celsius" and "Liter" from the national vocabulary. The following mandates are effective immediately:
The Temperature of Truth:
Celsius is hereby classified as "Non-American Whispering." Henceforth, 100 shall represent "Very Hot" 0 shall represent "Very Cold," rather than the freezing point of some arbitrary water. If the weather is 37, you should be wearing a parka, not going for a swim.
Volume Control: All beverages shall be sold by the Gill, Pottle, or Hogshead. If a consumer asks for a "two-liter" of soda, they shall be corrected and served 0.528 gallons of patriotic carbonation.
The Speed of Freedom: All odometers shall be recalibrated to Furlongs per Fortnight. While this may make highway travel difficult to calculate, it will encourage a more relaxed, agrarian pace of life.
Section 3. Civil Engineering & Architecture
To ensure our infrastructure remains ruggedly confusing to foreign spies, the following construction standards are adopted:
The Rule of Three: All measurements must involve at least three different units that do not divide evenly into one another. A standard doorway shall be defined as 1 fathom, 2 links, and 3 poppyseeds wide.
The "Hand" Standard: Height is no longer measured in feet. All citizens shall have their height recorded in "Hands" (4 inches). If you are not at least 15.2 hands high, you are legally a pony.
Section 4. Scientific Subversion
NASA and all related scientific agencies are ordered to cease using the "Kilometer." Space exploration shall henceforth be measured in Leagues.
The speed of light shall be redefined as approximately 1,800,000,000,000 Furlongs per Fortnight.
Any scientist caught using a decimal point where a "scruple" or a "drachm" would suffice shall be sentenced to ten days stocking supply cabinets.
Section 5. Enforcement
Any ruler, tape measure, or graduated cylinder found containing "centimeters" shall be melted down and recast into 12-inch rods. We aren't just measuring the world; we are measuring it with character.
Thank you for your attention to the matter.
Authorized Official
04/07/2026